Quit Momming Me!

For some reason, my library employs a lot of moms. I don’t just mean women who have children, but that personality flaw that causes these uterus-active ladies to treat everyone around them like they are parental to us. Thanks, but not only do I have a mom already, I have enough female bosses who are condescending, and I really don’t need people who do not have any authority over me to be treating me like they exist to guide me in the ways of being a responsible person.

One of the moms frequently sends out an inordinate number of emails making announcements about various staff members she deals with. Each email doesn’t just announce something, but it guides us in how to react to this announcement, like we’re all retards who didn’t know we should probably congratulate the recent graduates or wish a fond farewell to the departing employees.

We receive things that are worded like this:

“Today is Barbara-Ann’s last day. She will be off to college for her senior year. Please wish her well in the school year before her shift ends today.”

Maybe the momming brings out the juvenile in me, but my instant reaction is to say, “No. You can’t make me.”

Recently, one of our employees had a baby. A joyous event for her, I’m sure, but pretty much meh for me. I hardly know the woman and babies just don’t interest me at all. In fact, I regard pregnancy as a parasitic infection that results in having to care for the parasite for the remainder of your life. It really baffles me why people celebrate this, but I recognize that I’m fairly unique in my view of how very uninteresting it is when someone has a child, and I try to pretend to care when they’re around. Or I avoid them.

Anyway, there were no fewer than three greeting cards that went around for us to sign, from baby shower to birth, in addition to these patronizing emails announcing that we should sign these cards for our beloved coworker, and wish her the appropriate greetings. Why didn’t she just fill it out for us? Would I be on her shit list if I didn’t sign the card in the way she instructed? What if I signed the card and didn’t congratulate her? What if I accidentally forgot my instructions to congratulate her on her parasite, panicked, and instead wrote “Happy Birthday”? Well, I can only imagine the chastisement I’d get! Clearly more detailed instructions would follow in subsequent emails.

“Monday is Marcus’ birthday. There is a card on my desk for him. Please sign the card with only wishes of a happy birthday and do not deviate from the topic at hand. Do not take up more than three lines or use permanent marker. Do not write in another language because Marcus only speaks English. Wait for the ink to dry before closing the card again. Be respectful. Use proper spelling and grammar. Do not write with letters that would be larger than 24 font if in a document. And make sure you don’t leave any dirt or grease stains on the card of envelope. Thank you for following instructions to the letter.”

Why do these women feel compelled to give us instructions on how to be human? Are we that animalistic that they can’t possibly leave it up to our uncivilized tendencies to address important events with the right words? What the hell do these moms say about us behind our backs?

“Did you hear what so-and-so said to Mrs. Smith yesterday?”

“No, what?”

“So-and-so helped Mrs. Smith print something out, and when Mrs. Smith thanked her, instead of saying ‘you’re welcome’, she said, ‘no problem.’ How rude is that?!”

“Oh yeah? Well, I heard you-know-who today refer to a couple at a computer as ‘you guys’, and it was a man AND a woman. She called them ‘you GUYS!’ And worst of all, you should have SEEN her posture! She might as well have had a hunchback!”

“Unbelievable. Someone needs to teach these people about proper work etiquette.”

“Let’s do it! If I can potty-train my stubborn toddler, I can teach these people how to use fewer colloquialisms and actually make us proud.”

“It’s a daunting challenge. But if my teenager ever talked the way some of my coworkers do, I’d sent him right to military school.”

“But it has to be subtle, so they don’t complain. Let’s give them polite instructions in emails whenever we address something.”

“Yes, we need to guide them without it being too overt. Invite them to participate in something so they feel included, but then tell them exactly what’s expected of them, so they know how to behave.”

“Exactly. They can’t be trusted on their own at this point.”

I just want to gather up these moms and strangle them. While using bad posture. And speaking in slang. And wearing dirty underwear.